how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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