I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
