Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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