hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
