I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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