Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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