Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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