sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
