Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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