woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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