I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
