i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
