listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just got carded by a ten year old.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
