Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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