My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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