You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
