I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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