I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
