Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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