I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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