how can u be prego again
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
