My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize