My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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