I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
