It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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