Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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