ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
