Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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