id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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