When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
