Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
