The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
