guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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