And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
