Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
