Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
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