my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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