The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
