I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
