ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
