guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
apparently the secret to your success is patron
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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