Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
