My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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