You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
