im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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