I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You need a sexual gate keeper
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize