i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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