I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
