someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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