Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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