Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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