lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
