Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
